not a good day

i have my meeting with my RE on this coming monday. i'm looking forward to it, but since that is on my mind, so is ttc. and i am just so down about it today. typically i try to be optimistic, but not today. today i curse the world, curse my pcos and my infertility. sigh. i don't like having pity parties, but maybe if i allow a few hours it will all blow over.

i randomly got an e-mail back from the cheri22 baby prediction lady today, i cannot even recall when i sent that first e-mail. i know it's just some random person i do not know, but i'm even nervous she'll give me bad news! lol. maybe i should watch a movie and try not to think about all this.

relaxing?

i would love to say that i have been relaxing on my break. well, i actually have since i have not been super obsessed with thinking about ttc. but i have been stressed out from work. i need a new job, preferably in a school where i can work on vocational stuff and transition stuff. is that feasible as an OT?? sure, but i have to find a site first. i made one call, i'm hoping to hear back next week and then move forward. even if i don't get hired till fall, i'd be cool with that.

ttc. well, i've been temping this whole cycle, and it's not showing me much. maybe in the next few days i'll see a temp spike and maybe that will mean i'll ovulate on my own?? oh, that would be amazing. it's a long shot, but it would be nice. even if we try to get a baby out of it and we don't and i ovulate, i'd be happy :) i'm still contemplating my meeting with my RE on may 2. i hope i get a med change. something has to give. either that or i get more time to let my follicles grow bigger before a trigger. my numbers at P4 indicate that i do ovulate, so there is an eggie in one of those follicles, but for some reason the connection for fertilization is not being made. i just want to know and help it all along :)

in the meantime ... Easter bunny time!

rain rain

we have been getting alot of it, and the trees are going crazy! it's nice to see them bloom, but my poor allergies :)

i think i am on day 5 of increased metformin (1500mg), so far so good. i am really hoping it helps with my hormones. i don't think the 1000mg did too much. i'm not expecting to get cycles on my own ... that would be cool, but unlikely ... just help with everything else when i do my next inject cycle. i am happy i took april off. it's nice not to have to go to the doctor all the time, but on the other hand i feel like i am missing an opportunity to conceive. either way, i think i was meant to have a break to catch up on all my work and clear my head. meds fog things up. in the meantime, i am temping and charting. hey ... maybe i'll get lucky and ovulate on my own! that would be cool! worth a shot to try ;)

i should take a pic of the little plants we have growing for the garden this year. i am looking forward to planting and everything. can't wait till we have our own house for it.

dammit!

i am such a clutz. i broke the pur water filter that screws on the faucet last night trying to wash the cutting board. see what happens when you eat your vegetables? i need to buy a new one, and i wasn't budgeting that in this week. mannnnnnnnnnn. maybe i can get a cool one, that i won't break?

today is monday and i am so behind on work. it's more fun to blog. shhhhhh. i'm not really here :)

in 3 weeks

i have about 3 weeks till we meet with our RE and discuss what's going on and what's the next step. so that means i have 3 weeks to try to get brave again and ask alot of questions and assert myself in such a way that i feel like i am getting answers i need, not answers they want to give me. that made some sense. arghhhhhhh! ever since we began ttc it's like all i think about in my spare time is ttc. it's annoying. i used to think about my life, vacations, holidays, etc etc. now i am consumed. it's not like i am mad, but it would be nice to take a brain vacation and not wake up every morning wondering about my hormones.

anyway .... questions to ask the RE. so i think i may write them here, think them out. after 3 follisitm cycles, one of which resulted in an overstim and the other two in negatives this is what i want to learn:
-why is my progesterone so low after ovulation? i'm talking really low.
-is follisitm making quality eggs? am i making enough eggs or do i have more empty follicles than filled ones during stim?
-are my eggs any good? is there any way to check?
-would an alternate injection type like gonal-f help? do i need an inject with both fsh and lh like menapur?
-how about my lack of cycles, is there a strong possibility i have endometriosis and that is a problem?
-how about my pituitary, can that be targeted? maybe that is what should be looked at more closely.
-if you are going to have me try follisitm again, maybe i triggered too early? maybe i need to wait an extra day till the lead follicle is at least 19/20 not 17/18?
-maybe the trigger dosage was too low?

that's what i have so far. there are the biggest things, and maybe with that i will have answers.

i'm hoping something up there will lead to an answer!

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i was in whole foods yesterday, buying more organic and less processed foods. i figure it can't hurt and can always help. i bought an amethyst bead bracelet with a little wing charm on it. it reminded me of a little bird wing - a token of hope, faith and patience. i feel good wearing it, it's silly i know, but that's ok :)

first things first

if life is some kind of journey to take us places, then i think the end point will be home.

so this is my blog about my journey to be a momma.

i have a wonderful family, the bestest of friends and a husband i love more and more each day. i cannot be more thankful for what i have. i have had the educational opportunity many people would dream of, i have a master's degree and a profession where i get the opportunity to help people. i am an occupational therapist and it truly is a great profession. sometimes i dislike my days, but in the end, i am a happy person.

i am 33 and began my journey with infertility almost one year ago when i got diagnosed with pcos (polycystic ovarian syndrome). in the beginning it was okay, "i'll use meds, and i'll get pregnant, you'll see" - is the pep talk i had with myself. i still believe it for i am using meds and i will get pregnant! i just don't know when .... i am three cycles into this and many days i am sad, but i am hopeful. it's a pretty defeating thing to have on your mind, this pcos, but so many women have beat it.

i used lyrics from a U2 song to title my blog. music means alot to me and without it i would not have met my husband, and i would not be able to get through some tough emotional things. so here is "a sort of homecoming:"

And you know it's time to go
Through the sleet and driving snow
Across the fields of mourning
Light in the distance

And you hunger for the time
Time to heal, desire, time
And your earth moves beneath
Your own dream landscape

Oh, oh, oh...
On borderland we run...

I'll be there
I'll be there...
Tonight
A high road
A high road out from here

The city walls are all pulled down
The dust, a smoke screen all around
See faces ploughed like fields that once
Gave no resistance

And we live by the side of the road
On the side of a hill
As the valley explode
Dislocated, suffocated
The land grows weary of it's own

Oh, oh, oh...on borderland we run...
And still we run
We run and don't look back
I'll be there
I'll be there
Tonight
Tonight

I'll be there tonight...I believe
I'll be there...somehow
I'll be there...tonight
Tonight

The wind will crack in winter time
This bomb-blast lightning waltz
No spoken words, just a scream...

Tonight we'll build a bridge
Across the sea and land
See the sky, the burning rain
She will die and live again
Tonight

And your heart beats so slow
Through the rain and fallen snow
Across the fields of mourning
Light's in the distance

Oh don't sorrow, no don't weep
For tonight, at last
I am coming home
I am coming home


this journey, my journey will lead me to my home with my husband and our future baby for i will be a momma. i will be the best momma for our baby.