long time

it's been about a month since i wrote. and this is mostly due to alot of the anxiety i have been having this pregnancy. i know i am supposed to be happy and excited and all that optimistic stuff. but for some reason, i have not been able to get to that quite yet. i have learned that i cannot control my anxiety, but accept it and move forward. i am anxious, i get nervous, and i cause myself to have crazy exacerbated symptoms. ignoring it is much worse than accepting it. so that is that really. accepting it has allowed my to feel better.

soooooo moving forward, i am almost 12 weeks. that is good! and i actually am getting a little more excited. i will finally get to be off my annoying progesterone supps. this friday and i could not be happier. they make me dizzy at this point and then that's crappy. so i am hoping being off of them brings some relief and normalcy. either way, there has been lots more changes with my body than i would have thought. it's crazy ... it's like everything is changing and my body is supposed to just go with the flow. that's hard. this was just my body for almost 34 years! almost 2nd trimester. phew.

my husband is the best, i am so grateful for him. i am a crazy pregnant woman with strange anxieties and emotions. he's the best.

next wed is our nuchal tranlucency scan. i think it will be okay, and i am looking forward to seeing baby h on the ultrasound. haven't seen the little bean in forever .... 4 weeks by the time we do! i'm hoping we see lots of movement and everything looks good.

so ... fingers crossed that things are going to be on an upswing.

sleep!

really, i need more sleep. i am actually sleeping more with the fatigue from being pg. but last night i didn't sleep at all. it's a bad side effect of my anxiety - today was our 7wk ultrasound. it was amazing! simply amazing. i never thought i would see the day that a little teeny 1/2" baby would be inside me with a teeny heart beating away at 140bpm. it was so wonderful <3 i am so glad j was with me, it was emotional, but surprisingly enough i didn't cry. i thought i would, but i think i was so relieved and happy that i just wanted to focus on that.

so now i only have one more appointment with my RE. i'm actually sad about that :( i really really liked her and she was so honest and real with me. my OB practice has a bunch of doctors, so that won't be as personal. but i recall the nurses being nice, so i hope that's the same. my first OB appt is on 7/15 which is near. i think that will be a long one, and hopefully i'll check out ok with my bloodwork and all.

i am so happy, so tired and so in love with my baby and my husband. everyday i realize how blessed i am, and thankful for each day i am pregnant. i am sure it will go by fast, and i don't want to rush it, but i cannot wait till i am 12 weeks and we can tell all our family and friends :)

update day

it's been a little while, so i thought i would update. last week i got hit with either an awful case of IBS or a stomach bug. either way, i was a mess from thurs-sun and it was awful. i actually called the doctor and went in on that saturday to make sure it wasn't the baby. thank goodness the baby, teeny as it was, was fine. but my stomach was awful. i am thinking it was the stress of j losing his job, my work, and my stomach and digestion being horrible. i am still not 100% back to normal, but i can eat and function. i am also eating probiotic soy yogurt to help things. although i had to skip it today since i felt yucky in the morning.

good news though ... we got to see baby h on the ultrasound (on 6/18). it was so tiny though, crown to rump length was just over 3mm, so no heartbeat was visible yet ... i was just 6 weeks at the time, so we weren't too disappointed. next u/s isn't till this coming monday (6/27), so so so so many hopes and prayers that we see a nice strong heartbeat and a healthy sized baby. i will be just over 7 weeks, so everything is crossed!!!!!!!!! i think we can relax a little if that u/s is rad.

overall i feel good, nausea is like there on/off, but i can still eat. i am turned off by many foods, but the plain simple stuff is good. i am not really eating too much breakfast.... early morning and late night aren't my feel good times. but overall i cannot complain. i am enjoying every minute and cannot wait till monday <3 when we get to see our little bear again.

looking good for this nervous nelly

of all the things not to have inherited from my mom, i wish i wasn't nervous and could toss away any anxiety. but, i guess i have to control it and to think more positively :)

first ultrasound went great! we saw our ONE little sac on the screen, measuring 6.79mm at 5 weeks. it was so awesome. looks like it is in a good spot in the uterus and my beta levels went up too! next ultrasound is this coming monday, so i'll be just over 6 weeks. so praying and hoping we hear a strong heartbeat <3 , and that beta levels are outstanding. this lo is doing pretty well, but i am still anxious. i guess that's normal after all the tests, and procedures. after monday's ultrasound i had brown spotting ... it's tapered off and i'm sure it was a result of the t/v u/s, but it was still scary. i have got to learn to relax!

i am continuing my acupuncture. i really like it, it seems to help me, and i don't want to give it up till week 12. i think that gives me 7 more session. it is so worth the money and helps with my overall relaxation. so i won't buy any clothes, purses or other unnecessary items ... it's worth it to me.

weekend

this has been a rough week. j lost his job this week and was treated outright awful by his boss. well, his boss didn't even have the decency to be the one to let him go. it's revolting and sickening how people treat other human beings. doesn't everyone deserve some basic human respect when their livelihood is taken away? you would think so, but that wasn't the case in this situation. the silver lining is that j did go to sanford brown and will be enrolling in night school next month, most likely to be a pharmacy tech. and that is really good, it's a 10-month program so he will be done in april and they help with job placement. so it's the interim that's going to be hard. i always figured that people can automatically get unemployment, j filed for it, but apparently the old employer can contest it. what is that about? that is not decent. hopefully they don't contest it, we need some extra income to at least cover the rent and some groceries. it would be alot easier if i was done paying off all my cc debt. but at least j has no debt. the only single bill he has is his cell phone.

so there has been that stress and the stress that comes before our first ultrasound this coming monday. i'll have more bloodwork, so i'm praying for a super high beta and good progesterone. and also that the little sack we call baby h is looking good and measuring good :)

i know things will work out, but i just hope for some consolation along the way. we have some money in savings ... not alot, by maybe just enough to get us through the next couple of months till j can at least find some part time, if not full time work .... lots of prayers and thoughts going on in this house :)

monday

this is the first time in a very long time i am looking forward to a monday. this coming monday, we are going for our first ultrasound since we found out we are pregnant. i am wayyyyyy excited and nervous (again, what else is new?) for this. i am also getting more blood work and praying and hoping my beta is super high, like over 2000++ high. i've been feeling good, just tired and sometimes with some crampy abdominal pressure. last night my back hurt a little and my hips were sore. i think my body is changing with the growth of baby h. i am not a thin gal, but i really have no hips and small boobs, so maybe my body is thinking those things need to change for this pregnancy thing. not sure! all i know is that i want monday to be here. so i know we are past the first hurdle. next hurdle will be seeing and hearing the heartbeat in like 2 weeks i guess, and then after that ... making it to each week. lots of praying and hoping going on here in nj.

<3

phew

had the 2nd beta done today and it was 126! good stuff, that's triple the 44.1 it was on friday :) i am feeling alot better now in the nervous department. baby h is growing and that is the best feeling ever. my dr. doesn't do a third beta, i believe they look at your 1st and 2nd numbers and if those are good you go from there. they may do more blood work come my 1st ultrasound which is 6/13. i am so excited for it! i really really really really hope we see the heartbeat :) that would make be feel even a thousand times better than i do right now. by my calculations, 12 weeks is technically 7/30, hooray! hoping that comes quickly, but in the meantime i am enjoying every moment and pushing the negative thoughts out the window :)

i am trying to decide whether or not to cancel our trip to wisconsin for the pearl jam music festival in early september. i just think i may be too tired, and not want to be sitting/standing out in the heat all day. that and the money .... between airfare, tickets, hotel and other things ... it's like a $1500 trip ... and i could use that money to save if we need it. i have to talk to j about it ... see what he thinks.... maybe wait on seeing my favorite band till they tour around here again.