wow!

my bfp was confirmed today by blood work. i am still in shock. not because i am pregnant, but because it worked. i think i got disillusioned by all the negatives, but so far so good. my first beta was 44.1 and i go back form my second beta on sunday. i am so scared though. scared the betas won't rise, scared i have an etopic pregnancy and scared i won't make it to the second trimester. but i have to think positive, right? think that this baby is here and thriving and will arrive into our lives in february 2012. it's hard though. to be so excited and so nervous at the same time. i think once i hear the heartbeat i'll feel a little better :) first ultrasound is on 6/13 (hopefully!)

i was doing some reading online, and looking at books and magazines in the bookstore, but couldn't get myself to buy anything yet. i need it to be real, like i said, maybe in a few weeks i'll be comfortable buying those things.

so many thoughts swirling around my head ..... so many are good :D so far only my parents and j's brother-in-law know. i think we can share more the further along we get. but for now, it's me, j and our little poppyseed sized baby.