long time

it's been about a month since i wrote. and this is mostly due to alot of the anxiety i have been having this pregnancy. i know i am supposed to be happy and excited and all that optimistic stuff. but for some reason, i have not been able to get to that quite yet. i have learned that i cannot control my anxiety, but accept it and move forward. i am anxious, i get nervous, and i cause myself to have crazy exacerbated symptoms. ignoring it is much worse than accepting it. so that is that really. accepting it has allowed my to feel better.

soooooo moving forward, i am almost 12 weeks. that is good! and i actually am getting a little more excited. i will finally get to be off my annoying progesterone supps. this friday and i could not be happier. they make me dizzy at this point and then that's crappy. so i am hoping being off of them brings some relief and normalcy. either way, there has been lots more changes with my body than i would have thought. it's crazy ... it's like everything is changing and my body is supposed to just go with the flow. that's hard. this was just my body for almost 34 years! almost 2nd trimester. phew.

my husband is the best, i am so grateful for him. i am a crazy pregnant woman with strange anxieties and emotions. he's the best.

next wed is our nuchal tranlucency scan. i think it will be okay, and i am looking forward to seeing baby h on the ultrasound. haven't seen the little bean in forever .... 4 weeks by the time we do! i'm hoping we see lots of movement and everything looks good.

so ... fingers crossed that things are going to be on an upswing.

sleep!

really, i need more sleep. i am actually sleeping more with the fatigue from being pg. but last night i didn't sleep at all. it's a bad side effect of my anxiety - today was our 7wk ultrasound. it was amazing! simply amazing. i never thought i would see the day that a little teeny 1/2" baby would be inside me with a teeny heart beating away at 140bpm. it was so wonderful <3 i am so glad j was with me, it was emotional, but surprisingly enough i didn't cry. i thought i would, but i think i was so relieved and happy that i just wanted to focus on that.

so now i only have one more appointment with my RE. i'm actually sad about that :( i really really liked her and she was so honest and real with me. my OB practice has a bunch of doctors, so that won't be as personal. but i recall the nurses being nice, so i hope that's the same. my first OB appt is on 7/15 which is near. i think that will be a long one, and hopefully i'll check out ok with my bloodwork and all.

i am so happy, so tired and so in love with my baby and my husband. everyday i realize how blessed i am, and thankful for each day i am pregnant. i am sure it will go by fast, and i don't want to rush it, but i cannot wait till i am 12 weeks and we can tell all our family and friends :)

update day

it's been a little while, so i thought i would update. last week i got hit with either an awful case of IBS or a stomach bug. either way, i was a mess from thurs-sun and it was awful. i actually called the doctor and went in on that saturday to make sure it wasn't the baby. thank goodness the baby, teeny as it was, was fine. but my stomach was awful. i am thinking it was the stress of j losing his job, my work, and my stomach and digestion being horrible. i am still not 100% back to normal, but i can eat and function. i am also eating probiotic soy yogurt to help things. although i had to skip it today since i felt yucky in the morning.

good news though ... we got to see baby h on the ultrasound (on 6/18). it was so tiny though, crown to rump length was just over 3mm, so no heartbeat was visible yet ... i was just 6 weeks at the time, so we weren't too disappointed. next u/s isn't till this coming monday (6/27), so so so so many hopes and prayers that we see a nice strong heartbeat and a healthy sized baby. i will be just over 7 weeks, so everything is crossed!!!!!!!!! i think we can relax a little if that u/s is rad.

overall i feel good, nausea is like there on/off, but i can still eat. i am turned off by many foods, but the plain simple stuff is good. i am not really eating too much breakfast.... early morning and late night aren't my feel good times. but overall i cannot complain. i am enjoying every minute and cannot wait till monday <3 when we get to see our little bear again.

looking good for this nervous nelly

of all the things not to have inherited from my mom, i wish i wasn't nervous and could toss away any anxiety. but, i guess i have to control it and to think more positively :)

first ultrasound went great! we saw our ONE little sac on the screen, measuring 6.79mm at 5 weeks. it was so awesome. looks like it is in a good spot in the uterus and my beta levels went up too! next ultrasound is this coming monday, so i'll be just over 6 weeks. so praying and hoping we hear a strong heartbeat <3 , and that beta levels are outstanding. this lo is doing pretty well, but i am still anxious. i guess that's normal after all the tests, and procedures. after monday's ultrasound i had brown spotting ... it's tapered off and i'm sure it was a result of the t/v u/s, but it was still scary. i have got to learn to relax!

i am continuing my acupuncture. i really like it, it seems to help me, and i don't want to give it up till week 12. i think that gives me 7 more session. it is so worth the money and helps with my overall relaxation. so i won't buy any clothes, purses or other unnecessary items ... it's worth it to me.

weekend

this has been a rough week. j lost his job this week and was treated outright awful by his boss. well, his boss didn't even have the decency to be the one to let him go. it's revolting and sickening how people treat other human beings. doesn't everyone deserve some basic human respect when their livelihood is taken away? you would think so, but that wasn't the case in this situation. the silver lining is that j did go to sanford brown and will be enrolling in night school next month, most likely to be a pharmacy tech. and that is really good, it's a 10-month program so he will be done in april and they help with job placement. so it's the interim that's going to be hard. i always figured that people can automatically get unemployment, j filed for it, but apparently the old employer can contest it. what is that about? that is not decent. hopefully they don't contest it, we need some extra income to at least cover the rent and some groceries. it would be alot easier if i was done paying off all my cc debt. but at least j has no debt. the only single bill he has is his cell phone.

so there has been that stress and the stress that comes before our first ultrasound this coming monday. i'll have more bloodwork, so i'm praying for a super high beta and good progesterone. and also that the little sack we call baby h is looking good and measuring good :)

i know things will work out, but i just hope for some consolation along the way. we have some money in savings ... not alot, by maybe just enough to get us through the next couple of months till j can at least find some part time, if not full time work .... lots of prayers and thoughts going on in this house :)

monday

this is the first time in a very long time i am looking forward to a monday. this coming monday, we are going for our first ultrasound since we found out we are pregnant. i am wayyyyyy excited and nervous (again, what else is new?) for this. i am also getting more blood work and praying and hoping my beta is super high, like over 2000++ high. i've been feeling good, just tired and sometimes with some crampy abdominal pressure. last night my back hurt a little and my hips were sore. i think my body is changing with the growth of baby h. i am not a thin gal, but i really have no hips and small boobs, so maybe my body is thinking those things need to change for this pregnancy thing. not sure! all i know is that i want monday to be here. so i know we are past the first hurdle. next hurdle will be seeing and hearing the heartbeat in like 2 weeks i guess, and then after that ... making it to each week. lots of praying and hoping going on here in nj.

<3

phew

had the 2nd beta done today and it was 126! good stuff, that's triple the 44.1 it was on friday :) i am feeling alot better now in the nervous department. baby h is growing and that is the best feeling ever. my dr. doesn't do a third beta, i believe they look at your 1st and 2nd numbers and if those are good you go from there. they may do more blood work come my 1st ultrasound which is 6/13. i am so excited for it! i really really really really hope we see the heartbeat :) that would make be feel even a thousand times better than i do right now. by my calculations, 12 weeks is technically 7/30, hooray! hoping that comes quickly, but in the meantime i am enjoying every moment and pushing the negative thoughts out the window :)

i am trying to decide whether or not to cancel our trip to wisconsin for the pearl jam music festival in early september. i just think i may be too tired, and not want to be sitting/standing out in the heat all day. that and the money .... between airfare, tickets, hotel and other things ... it's like a $1500 trip ... and i could use that money to save if we need it. i have to talk to j about it ... see what he thinks.... maybe wait on seeing my favorite band till they tour around here again.

wow!

my bfp was confirmed today by blood work. i am still in shock. not because i am pregnant, but because it worked. i think i got disillusioned by all the negatives, but so far so good. my first beta was 44.1 and i go back form my second beta on sunday. i am so scared though. scared the betas won't rise, scared i have an etopic pregnancy and scared i won't make it to the second trimester. but i have to think positive, right? think that this baby is here and thriving and will arrive into our lives in february 2012. it's hard though. to be so excited and so nervous at the same time. i think once i hear the heartbeat i'll feel a little better :) first ultrasound is on 6/13 (hopefully!)

i was doing some reading online, and looking at books and magazines in the bookstore, but couldn't get myself to buy anything yet. i need it to be real, like i said, maybe in a few weeks i'll be comfortable buying those things.

so many thoughts swirling around my head ..... so many are good :D so far only my parents and j's brother-in-law know. i think we can share more the further along we get. but for now, it's me, j and our little poppyseed sized baby.

11dpo

i broke down and bought my pg tests today. i hate that feeling of fear and nervousness that comes before you test. tomorrow morning will be the first day i test and i am already feeling butterflies. argh! i think tomorrow is a safe day to see if i have a bun in there, i got the 3-pack of first response, so i can test up until i go for bloodwork on friday. j wants me to wait till the bloodwork for the answer, but let's be realistic here. i cannot wait that long, the curiosity will kill me, and i would rather have a plastic stick give me a preview before getting an email from my nurse. so there it is. it's the strangest case of nerves this 2ww. can't compare it to anything.

symptom wise, i have a little heavier and sore bbs. some cramping and this odd intermittent pelvic floor feeling, and although it makes me think i have to poo, i don't ... and it goes away. have no clue what that is! haha. i'm irritable, but that could just be this situation. and it could all be the progesterone suppositories. i so wish i have veiny bbs like some other women, that would be something unique and not progesterone related. so yeah, that's what i got.

i think i may wait to update the blog till friday. i don't want to post the stick results everyday till then ... when i have an answer and the emotions to go along with them.

till then i am hoping and praying with all my might!

9dpo

well ... i still have on/off cramping, but i am attributing that to my progesterone supps. i have no idea what to think about what's going on and have no idea what poas will bring come wed/thurs. i tried to buy dollar tree pg. tests yesterday, but there were none in the store. maybe it was a sign to buy at least the walmart brand or something? still, holding off on testing and seeing what will happen. the second week of the 2ww is the worst, while the first week is full of cray optimism, the second week is full of crazy nervousness.

i brought up what to do next with j yesterday in the car. he really wants to exhaust all options for us to have our own baby before considering adoption. i'm not sure about me. in a way i'd like to not pass this pcos down to another generation, but then again we could adopt a baby who ends up with it. it's insane to think of the possibilities. so now i need to decide whether to do one more IUI or not before going to IVF. the only thing i would change is adding in the special mixed herbs that would be given to me by my acupuncturist. oh speaking of changes, i am going back to 1000mg of metformin. i've been on the 1500mg and it really didn't seem to change my egg quality based on my p4. and i really do believe it increased my hair shedding. and that is just too much for me to take :( i can accept that i don't have the nice thick hair i had as a child, but i cannot accept looking like i am balding. it's too depressing and hard. so i am sticking to low carb/no sweets/reduced sugar eating. and i think that made more of a difference this past cycle than anything. so we will see what happens at the end of this week :) right! my other opinion. i do not think herbs will help make my body choose the best follicle with the best egg or two for the next cycle. i am leaning towards IVF, just as i was before this current cycle....... still, no decision made yet and praying i won't have to!

so here i am. with too much on my mind, when i am supposed to be relaxing on memorial day weekend!

6dpo

on and off yesterday i have had twinges and some mild cramping. this is still going on, more the cramping, less with the twinges. i am hoping this is a good sign, implantation maybe??????? :) it's either that or my crap digestive system. but i am really really praying for baby related things. i was on the fence, but i am going to test next wed. that's 12dpo and a safe time to test. i will also test again 13dpo and the morning of 14dpo when i go for bloodwork. this way i know what's going on and won't have to depend on bloodwork to tell me. ok, so i need at least 3 tests. i'll get them over the weekend.

it is so hard not to think about being pregnant. and i feel pregnant this time, or at least i feel like i had a great shot this time. all the other times i sort of knew deep down that it didn't work, but this time i am feeling cautiously optimistic :) come on 'baby h!!!!!!'

two things

i really do not like the moodiness that goes along with this 2ww. i feel like a mad rabbit or something, and it's all b/c i get consumed with the possibility of having a baby. i don't like myself very much for how i get, but at least it lasts only 2 weeks! and one week is almost over. i had my p4 (and they draw it the morning of day 4 past iui, so it's early) and my number was 8.4. it's better than it ever has been, so that's good. i just wish it were higher. i am taking progesterone supplements, so now i get those side effects that mimic certain pg symptoms. i decided to test at home the day before i am supposed to go in for blood work. i think that's fair. this way i have an idea. and the weirdest part? i feel like it really could have worked. i can't explain why. maybe it's gas, but i feel flutters every once in awhile :)

BUT in addition to my 2ww and being neurotic, i also printed out my paperwork for the attain ivf program. i need it in hand .... to be prepared, and to also feel mentally okay with any outcome.

in the meantime, i need to get caught up on work stuff!!!!!

yet another 2ww

our IUIs seemed to go well last week. the last 2 times i took the trigger shot, it was like i ovulated that same evening. but this time, it felt like i ovulated the friday afternoon after the 2nd IUI. maybe it was just IUI pains .... i don't temp so i am not really sure. but i did have ewcm beginning on thurs through saturday morning. so i am hoping everything was timed better. now i just have to count on my eggs being good. this cycle was different for many reasons, but most especially my attitude was better. i made this one count. i took care of us and me. i cheated here and there, but no sweets/breads/candy binges at all. and no candy at all. that's impressive! so these eggs are the best i think i ever ovulated. i will find out of course when i go for my p4 tomorrow.

p4. i am so nervous about it. my last cycle it was an 8 and that's no good. i want a 15, well .... i would love like a 30 or something! but we'll see. i keep tossing around the idea of IVF in my head, and i know it will be my next step. well i don't know, but i want it to be. it seems more controlled. i just wish it were less expensive.

well. positive thoughts! got to pray for my p4 tomorrow and a happy ending to my current 2ww :)

another 2ww

today, well maybe tomorrow actually, i begin another 2ww. but this cycle has been different in so many ways. i started acupuncture and i love it. it is really relaxing, and i think it helped my body to relax and bring blood flow to my uterus and all that. goodness knows with my lack of and inconsistent periods, blood wasn't flowing there actively! i had two follicles on the right and they grew pretty nicely within a week and a half's amount of time. lining was good and although my estrogen wasn't as high as it had been, i still think it was good. i changed my diet alot also. got myself onto taking the prescribed 1500mg of met, and also not eating any "white" starches and no candy/sweets/cakes, etc. at all. i definitely think the food change helped alot. i am now fuller longer, and eat more fruit and veg. i discovered some great low carb breads and overall feel like a healthier person. i also think i reacted better to the injects and trigger. i'm not a mess emotionally or hormonally. and that's the best part.

now here's the downside. feeling like this cycle was awesome, does not make me want to do it again. i am not sure what i could change for another cycle except maybe going totally gluten free. that and taking the recommended herbs from my acupuncturist. but i am not sure i am okay with both of those things. we actually filled out the consent forms for IVF in case we decide to go that route. i just am not sure i could stomach another IUI. it's so tortuous mentally. all these perfect conditions time after time and pfft. i decided not to bring up the decision what to do next till at least my p4 results on tuesday. that will start the thinking process, and off course a decision will be made at the end of the 2ww.

but!!!!!! i am still hoping i won't have to make a choice :) that option is still there and i'm holding fast to the idea that some magic is/will be occurring inside of me very soon :)

back on track

back on the ttc track. i had my appointment with my RE last week and it really didn't clarify as much as i wished. the best that i can do right now is try to monitor my diet, take my meds, and hope it helps with my hormone levels enough so that my follicles are producing viable eggs. i really thing that's the issue .... my eggs. i think my whacked out hormones make the follicles produce less than optimal eggs, and then nothing can happen. so no conception with iui. so here i am, week 2 of low carb, no sweets/refined sugars, reduced gluten, and am definitely going through a psychological withdrawl. dreaming of challah bread, waffles, etc. i hope it gets better. the dream of a little baby in my arm outweighs my desire for such things! still, it would be nice to have a piece of cake ;)

started my follistim on monday and started acupuncture for fertility last saturday. so far so good. i love the acupuncture. it is relaxing and i feel like i am finally doing something for my well-being and health. it's nice. i am doing 2x a week while on injections and then i am sure an extra session when we get to do the iui.

i am really struggling right now with the decision to go to ivf right after this cycle if it doesn't work, or to try another iui cycle. and it's the money. sigh.

a letter

i was inspired to write a letter to my unborn baby by other women and i am hoping it helps me and centers me.

dear baby h,

i think about you all the time and i have never met you. i know i will instantly love you the moment you are conceived and cannot wait for that feeling. your father and i want you more than anything in this world, so know you were loved from the very beginning. i dream about holding you in my arms, looking into your eyes and snuggling you. your hand will always be held and your life will be held near to our hearts.

i wonder what you will look like. will you be born with a head full of hair like me, or be a blonde baby like your dad. will you have light eyes, or will you have your great-grandfather's beautiful brown eyes? what will your personality be like, will you be happy and smiling like me? i know you will love hugs and affection like your father and i.

i hope you will fall in love with music like your parents, you will have music all around you and always have the opportunity to see musicians and surround your life with the inspiration of song.

that's all for now baby, till i have you in my arms, i will wait to be blessed with you.

not a good day

i have my meeting with my RE on this coming monday. i'm looking forward to it, but since that is on my mind, so is ttc. and i am just so down about it today. typically i try to be optimistic, but not today. today i curse the world, curse my pcos and my infertility. sigh. i don't like having pity parties, but maybe if i allow a few hours it will all blow over.

i randomly got an e-mail back from the cheri22 baby prediction lady today, i cannot even recall when i sent that first e-mail. i know it's just some random person i do not know, but i'm even nervous she'll give me bad news! lol. maybe i should watch a movie and try not to think about all this.

relaxing?

i would love to say that i have been relaxing on my break. well, i actually have since i have not been super obsessed with thinking about ttc. but i have been stressed out from work. i need a new job, preferably in a school where i can work on vocational stuff and transition stuff. is that feasible as an OT?? sure, but i have to find a site first. i made one call, i'm hoping to hear back next week and then move forward. even if i don't get hired till fall, i'd be cool with that.

ttc. well, i've been temping this whole cycle, and it's not showing me much. maybe in the next few days i'll see a temp spike and maybe that will mean i'll ovulate on my own?? oh, that would be amazing. it's a long shot, but it would be nice. even if we try to get a baby out of it and we don't and i ovulate, i'd be happy :) i'm still contemplating my meeting with my RE on may 2. i hope i get a med change. something has to give. either that or i get more time to let my follicles grow bigger before a trigger. my numbers at P4 indicate that i do ovulate, so there is an eggie in one of those follicles, but for some reason the connection for fertilization is not being made. i just want to know and help it all along :)

in the meantime ... Easter bunny time!

rain rain

we have been getting alot of it, and the trees are going crazy! it's nice to see them bloom, but my poor allergies :)

i think i am on day 5 of increased metformin (1500mg), so far so good. i am really hoping it helps with my hormones. i don't think the 1000mg did too much. i'm not expecting to get cycles on my own ... that would be cool, but unlikely ... just help with everything else when i do my next inject cycle. i am happy i took april off. it's nice not to have to go to the doctor all the time, but on the other hand i feel like i am missing an opportunity to conceive. either way, i think i was meant to have a break to catch up on all my work and clear my head. meds fog things up. in the meantime, i am temping and charting. hey ... maybe i'll get lucky and ovulate on my own! that would be cool! worth a shot to try ;)

i should take a pic of the little plants we have growing for the garden this year. i am looking forward to planting and everything. can't wait till we have our own house for it.

dammit!

i am such a clutz. i broke the pur water filter that screws on the faucet last night trying to wash the cutting board. see what happens when you eat your vegetables? i need to buy a new one, and i wasn't budgeting that in this week. mannnnnnnnnnn. maybe i can get a cool one, that i won't break?

today is monday and i am so behind on work. it's more fun to blog. shhhhhh. i'm not really here :)

in 3 weeks

i have about 3 weeks till we meet with our RE and discuss what's going on and what's the next step. so that means i have 3 weeks to try to get brave again and ask alot of questions and assert myself in such a way that i feel like i am getting answers i need, not answers they want to give me. that made some sense. arghhhhhhh! ever since we began ttc it's like all i think about in my spare time is ttc. it's annoying. i used to think about my life, vacations, holidays, etc etc. now i am consumed. it's not like i am mad, but it would be nice to take a brain vacation and not wake up every morning wondering about my hormones.

anyway .... questions to ask the RE. so i think i may write them here, think them out. after 3 follisitm cycles, one of which resulted in an overstim and the other two in negatives this is what i want to learn:
-why is my progesterone so low after ovulation? i'm talking really low.
-is follisitm making quality eggs? am i making enough eggs or do i have more empty follicles than filled ones during stim?
-are my eggs any good? is there any way to check?
-would an alternate injection type like gonal-f help? do i need an inject with both fsh and lh like menapur?
-how about my lack of cycles, is there a strong possibility i have endometriosis and that is a problem?
-how about my pituitary, can that be targeted? maybe that is what should be looked at more closely.
-if you are going to have me try follisitm again, maybe i triggered too early? maybe i need to wait an extra day till the lead follicle is at least 19/20 not 17/18?
-maybe the trigger dosage was too low?

that's what i have so far. there are the biggest things, and maybe with that i will have answers.

i'm hoping something up there will lead to an answer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i was in whole foods yesterday, buying more organic and less processed foods. i figure it can't hurt and can always help. i bought an amethyst bead bracelet with a little wing charm on it. it reminded me of a little bird wing - a token of hope, faith and patience. i feel good wearing it, it's silly i know, but that's ok :)

first things first

if life is some kind of journey to take us places, then i think the end point will be home.

so this is my blog about my journey to be a momma.

i have a wonderful family, the bestest of friends and a husband i love more and more each day. i cannot be more thankful for what i have. i have had the educational opportunity many people would dream of, i have a master's degree and a profession where i get the opportunity to help people. i am an occupational therapist and it truly is a great profession. sometimes i dislike my days, but in the end, i am a happy person.

i am 33 and began my journey with infertility almost one year ago when i got diagnosed with pcos (polycystic ovarian syndrome). in the beginning it was okay, "i'll use meds, and i'll get pregnant, you'll see" - is the pep talk i had with myself. i still believe it for i am using meds and i will get pregnant! i just don't know when .... i am three cycles into this and many days i am sad, but i am hopeful. it's a pretty defeating thing to have on your mind, this pcos, but so many women have beat it.

i used lyrics from a U2 song to title my blog. music means alot to me and without it i would not have met my husband, and i would not be able to get through some tough emotional things. so here is "a sort of homecoming:"

And you know it's time to go
Through the sleet and driving snow
Across the fields of mourning
Light in the distance

And you hunger for the time
Time to heal, desire, time
And your earth moves beneath
Your own dream landscape

Oh, oh, oh...
On borderland we run...

I'll be there
I'll be there...
Tonight
A high road
A high road out from here

The city walls are all pulled down
The dust, a smoke screen all around
See faces ploughed like fields that once
Gave no resistance

And we live by the side of the road
On the side of a hill
As the valley explode
Dislocated, suffocated
The land grows weary of it's own

Oh, oh, oh...on borderland we run...
And still we run
We run and don't look back
I'll be there
I'll be there
Tonight
Tonight

I'll be there tonight...I believe
I'll be there...somehow
I'll be there...tonight
Tonight

The wind will crack in winter time
This bomb-blast lightning waltz
No spoken words, just a scream...

Tonight we'll build a bridge
Across the sea and land
See the sky, the burning rain
She will die and live again
Tonight

And your heart beats so slow
Through the rain and fallen snow
Across the fields of mourning
Light's in the distance

Oh don't sorrow, no don't weep
For tonight, at last
I am coming home
I am coming home


this journey, my journey will lead me to my home with my husband and our future baby for i will be a momma. i will be the best momma for our baby.