11dpo

i broke down and bought my pg tests today. i hate that feeling of fear and nervousness that comes before you test. tomorrow morning will be the first day i test and i am already feeling butterflies. argh! i think tomorrow is a safe day to see if i have a bun in there, i got the 3-pack of first response, so i can test up until i go for bloodwork on friday. j wants me to wait till the bloodwork for the answer, but let's be realistic here. i cannot wait that long, the curiosity will kill me, and i would rather have a plastic stick give me a preview before getting an email from my nurse. so there it is. it's the strangest case of nerves this 2ww. can't compare it to anything.

symptom wise, i have a little heavier and sore bbs. some cramping and this odd intermittent pelvic floor feeling, and although it makes me think i have to poo, i don't ... and it goes away. have no clue what that is! haha. i'm irritable, but that could just be this situation. and it could all be the progesterone suppositories. i so wish i have veiny bbs like some other women, that would be something unique and not progesterone related. so yeah, that's what i got.

i think i may wait to update the blog till friday. i don't want to post the stick results everyday till then ... when i have an answer and the emotions to go along with them.

till then i am hoping and praying with all my might!

9dpo

well ... i still have on/off cramping, but i am attributing that to my progesterone supps. i have no idea what to think about what's going on and have no idea what poas will bring come wed/thurs. i tried to buy dollar tree pg. tests yesterday, but there were none in the store. maybe it was a sign to buy at least the walmart brand or something? still, holding off on testing and seeing what will happen. the second week of the 2ww is the worst, while the first week is full of cray optimism, the second week is full of crazy nervousness.

i brought up what to do next with j yesterday in the car. he really wants to exhaust all options for us to have our own baby before considering adoption. i'm not sure about me. in a way i'd like to not pass this pcos down to another generation, but then again we could adopt a baby who ends up with it. it's insane to think of the possibilities. so now i need to decide whether to do one more IUI or not before going to IVF. the only thing i would change is adding in the special mixed herbs that would be given to me by my acupuncturist. oh speaking of changes, i am going back to 1000mg of metformin. i've been on the 1500mg and it really didn't seem to change my egg quality based on my p4. and i really do believe it increased my hair shedding. and that is just too much for me to take :( i can accept that i don't have the nice thick hair i had as a child, but i cannot accept looking like i am balding. it's too depressing and hard. so i am sticking to low carb/no sweets/reduced sugar eating. and i think that made more of a difference this past cycle than anything. so we will see what happens at the end of this week :) right! my other opinion. i do not think herbs will help make my body choose the best follicle with the best egg or two for the next cycle. i am leaning towards IVF, just as i was before this current cycle....... still, no decision made yet and praying i won't have to!

so here i am. with too much on my mind, when i am supposed to be relaxing on memorial day weekend!

6dpo

on and off yesterday i have had twinges and some mild cramping. this is still going on, more the cramping, less with the twinges. i am hoping this is a good sign, implantation maybe??????? :) it's either that or my crap digestive system. but i am really really praying for baby related things. i was on the fence, but i am going to test next wed. that's 12dpo and a safe time to test. i will also test again 13dpo and the morning of 14dpo when i go for bloodwork. this way i know what's going on and won't have to depend on bloodwork to tell me. ok, so i need at least 3 tests. i'll get them over the weekend.

it is so hard not to think about being pregnant. and i feel pregnant this time, or at least i feel like i had a great shot this time. all the other times i sort of knew deep down that it didn't work, but this time i am feeling cautiously optimistic :) come on 'baby h!!!!!!'

two things

i really do not like the moodiness that goes along with this 2ww. i feel like a mad rabbit or something, and it's all b/c i get consumed with the possibility of having a baby. i don't like myself very much for how i get, but at least it lasts only 2 weeks! and one week is almost over. i had my p4 (and they draw it the morning of day 4 past iui, so it's early) and my number was 8.4. it's better than it ever has been, so that's good. i just wish it were higher. i am taking progesterone supplements, so now i get those side effects that mimic certain pg symptoms. i decided to test at home the day before i am supposed to go in for blood work. i think that's fair. this way i have an idea. and the weirdest part? i feel like it really could have worked. i can't explain why. maybe it's gas, but i feel flutters every once in awhile :)

BUT in addition to my 2ww and being neurotic, i also printed out my paperwork for the attain ivf program. i need it in hand .... to be prepared, and to also feel mentally okay with any outcome.

in the meantime, i need to get caught up on work stuff!!!!!

yet another 2ww

our IUIs seemed to go well last week. the last 2 times i took the trigger shot, it was like i ovulated that same evening. but this time, it felt like i ovulated the friday afternoon after the 2nd IUI. maybe it was just IUI pains .... i don't temp so i am not really sure. but i did have ewcm beginning on thurs through saturday morning. so i am hoping everything was timed better. now i just have to count on my eggs being good. this cycle was different for many reasons, but most especially my attitude was better. i made this one count. i took care of us and me. i cheated here and there, but no sweets/breads/candy binges at all. and no candy at all. that's impressive! so these eggs are the best i think i ever ovulated. i will find out of course when i go for my p4 tomorrow.

p4. i am so nervous about it. my last cycle it was an 8 and that's no good. i want a 15, well .... i would love like a 30 or something! but we'll see. i keep tossing around the idea of IVF in my head, and i know it will be my next step. well i don't know, but i want it to be. it seems more controlled. i just wish it were less expensive.

well. positive thoughts! got to pray for my p4 tomorrow and a happy ending to my current 2ww :)

another 2ww

today, well maybe tomorrow actually, i begin another 2ww. but this cycle has been different in so many ways. i started acupuncture and i love it. it is really relaxing, and i think it helped my body to relax and bring blood flow to my uterus and all that. goodness knows with my lack of and inconsistent periods, blood wasn't flowing there actively! i had two follicles on the right and they grew pretty nicely within a week and a half's amount of time. lining was good and although my estrogen wasn't as high as it had been, i still think it was good. i changed my diet alot also. got myself onto taking the prescribed 1500mg of met, and also not eating any "white" starches and no candy/sweets/cakes, etc. at all. i definitely think the food change helped alot. i am now fuller longer, and eat more fruit and veg. i discovered some great low carb breads and overall feel like a healthier person. i also think i reacted better to the injects and trigger. i'm not a mess emotionally or hormonally. and that's the best part.

now here's the downside. feeling like this cycle was awesome, does not make me want to do it again. i am not sure what i could change for another cycle except maybe going totally gluten free. that and taking the recommended herbs from my acupuncturist. but i am not sure i am okay with both of those things. we actually filled out the consent forms for IVF in case we decide to go that route. i just am not sure i could stomach another IUI. it's so tortuous mentally. all these perfect conditions time after time and pfft. i decided not to bring up the decision what to do next till at least my p4 results on tuesday. that will start the thinking process, and off course a decision will be made at the end of the 2ww.

but!!!!!! i am still hoping i won't have to make a choice :) that option is still there and i'm holding fast to the idea that some magic is/will be occurring inside of me very soon :)

back on track

back on the ttc track. i had my appointment with my RE last week and it really didn't clarify as much as i wished. the best that i can do right now is try to monitor my diet, take my meds, and hope it helps with my hormone levels enough so that my follicles are producing viable eggs. i really thing that's the issue .... my eggs. i think my whacked out hormones make the follicles produce less than optimal eggs, and then nothing can happen. so no conception with iui. so here i am, week 2 of low carb, no sweets/refined sugars, reduced gluten, and am definitely going through a psychological withdrawl. dreaming of challah bread, waffles, etc. i hope it gets better. the dream of a little baby in my arm outweighs my desire for such things! still, it would be nice to have a piece of cake ;)

started my follistim on monday and started acupuncture for fertility last saturday. so far so good. i love the acupuncture. it is relaxing and i feel like i am finally doing something for my well-being and health. it's nice. i am doing 2x a week while on injections and then i am sure an extra session when we get to do the iui.

i am really struggling right now with the decision to go to ivf right after this cycle if it doesn't work, or to try another iui cycle. and it's the money. sigh.

a letter

i was inspired to write a letter to my unborn baby by other women and i am hoping it helps me and centers me.

dear baby h,

i think about you all the time and i have never met you. i know i will instantly love you the moment you are conceived and cannot wait for that feeling. your father and i want you more than anything in this world, so know you were loved from the very beginning. i dream about holding you in my arms, looking into your eyes and snuggling you. your hand will always be held and your life will be held near to our hearts.

i wonder what you will look like. will you be born with a head full of hair like me, or be a blonde baby like your dad. will you have light eyes, or will you have your great-grandfather's beautiful brown eyes? what will your personality be like, will you be happy and smiling like me? i know you will love hugs and affection like your father and i.

i hope you will fall in love with music like your parents, you will have music all around you and always have the opportunity to see musicians and surround your life with the inspiration of song.

that's all for now baby, till i have you in my arms, i will wait to be blessed with you.